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    • Resolve Counselling
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Rob's Blog.

26/3/2020

Suffering As A Touchstone for Empathy

 
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​The way you suffered (experienced pain or distress) can assist you to see the suffering of others around you.

This can have significant personal and social virtue, especially if you have healed some of your own pain BEFORE trying to help others.
This is not to be confused with Special Snowflake Syndrome (SSS) which is all about satisfying personal demands for special treatment, often claiming empathy for others but is in reality a form of hypersensitive self-importance.

To be aware of the legitimate suffering of others carries an attitude of gifting and service. Done badly it can look like martyr-posturing. Done well it’s about care, and these people are usually resilient, clear thinking and justice oriented in the truest sense.

In contrast SSS is narcissistic and ultimately self-oriented, caring primarily for their own concerns and interests.

Often politicising personal issues, people with SSS seldom hesitate in personalising attacks, and always personalise offence.

​You know an SSS is near because there is a sense of having to be careful not to offend them …cos they’re special and flaky. Guess which has the better mental health!

26/3/2020

It Takes An Open Mind To Hold Big Thoughts

 
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​We can say quite fairly that when we deny reason, we deny truth. This is a statement that is likely to immediately offend some, however it is in that very offence-taking we find why this statement is true.

​The reaction is innately emotional. Without any consideration to the facts that emotions can obscure truth, people often react to issues before they have heard the information (data + reason).
They pre-form opinions without hearing all the information, and react out of a preferred feeling. It has been said that small thoughts fit easily into a closed mind, but it requires an open mind to hold big thoughts.

The refusal to hear the other person’s opinion or ideas can indicate a closed mind …which is what we see from woke-social-justice warriors who want to control social narratives.

Emotional-minded people are always small thinkers. The use of the reasoning-mind rather than the emotional-mind helps us hear other opinions and see the full picture.

The problem with emotions is they can be sincere, but also sincerely wrong.

​To rely solely on your feelings is to put yourself and others at risk. The Golden Rule to remember is this; our emotions can lie to us.

26/3/2020

So You Want To Change the World (again)!

 
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Last blog I mentioned that we have the face the small things first if we are ever going to truly manage the big.

It’s been said that “we can’t dialogue with the things we hide, or cover with judgement or shame”. 
What that means is we will never be at peace within ourselves if we keep covering up our ‘shit’.

The more honest we are about ourselves, the more we are able to heal ourselves, and be a healer to those around us. The more we own our issues and address them, the safer we will be for-and-to others.

This isn’t about social activism where we buy public favour; it’s about being a whole person who doesn’t need to use activism-related agendas to feel good about themselves.

​And when you can relax with yourself while being honest about your mistakes, others will find you as more trustworthy.

26/3/2020

Working On You, Before the World

 
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So you want to change the world and make it a better place!

​It’s worth practising on the small things that are already in your life BEFORE improving the rest of the world.

Why? Because if you cannot manage the small relationships around you honestly, you will always live as a fraud.
I appreciate that sounds harsh, but here’s an example of this principle: those who practice domestic violence usually do it behind closed doors. In public they have one face, in private they have another.

In public they (male of female) may be the consummate professional or member of a church who does sooo well, yet behind closed doors they act out their true selves.

​They are the people who have never learnt to manage the ‘small’ things …like personal integrity.

26/3/2020

The Truth or Just Truth-Bait?

 
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Every lie that sounds ‘good’ will have an element of truth in it; it’s the truth-bit that makes it seem credible.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a lie you are telling yourself or telling to someone else, the most effective lies always have an element of truth.
That truth-bit is better called the ‘truth-bait’ because it helps lure people into believing something that is not completely accurate, just as a fish is tricked into biting onto a baited hook.

And just like when a fish takes the bait and it’s caught, so we can be caught into something that ultimately can become deadly to friendships or any other meaningful relationship if we keep telling lies.

​Beware of using truth-bait to manipulate …eventually, sometime late, it will come back to hook you.

26/3/2020

Taking Shots At Gossip

 
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The last blog mentioned gossips and described their intention to harm others, because they don’t have the strength to be fully open or honest.

Their weakness and dishonesty is found in the indirect way they do-and-say things; they rely on selective information and innuendo to get things done.​
They seldom come out and say what’s on their mind unless they feel trapped, and then they assume victimisation, or the martyr-complex …or come out in a vicious rage that makes people think twice before ever confronting them again.

And there’s the key; gossips operate from a fear-based position. They fear honesty and openness.

Ironically, they also fear of being judged for the weak people they actually are, and rather than owning and healing this they avoid healthy confrontations that would otherwise promote personal mental health and trusting relationships.
​
Gossips are people who will never be a true friend, because they will never value your care and integrity if you question/challenge their motives, ideas or conclusions.

26/3/2020

Rage Addiction

 
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Are you addicted to rage? Have you become addicted to the ‘relief’ that follows after venting your shit onto someone else?

There is a bio-chemical pathway that can become entrenched and quite addictive if ‘venting’ and having rages is your thing. 
Some people will rage at having a disappointment, assume offence, experience failure or blame shift.

The more passive-aggressive rages can be seen in gaslighting (manipulating others by sowing seeds of doubt about their integrity and motives) and gossip.

Why gossip? Because it’s a form of character assassination where the intention is to harm another. The person who gossips is someone who doesn’t have the strength to be fully open or honest.

​Don’t be mistaken here; a gossip does not deserve your mercy, they deserve contempt because their words are designed to hurt others while simultaneously manipulating you into co-operating with their agenda.

26/3/2020

Relationships: 'Thinking/Guessing'

 
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​Relationships: it only takes one to make a war, but it takes two to make peace.

The problems so often can begin with us thinking we know what the other person wants, but not actually knowing what they want.
If we stay in that position of ‘thinking-guessing’ we can quite unintentionally lock ourselves into a mind-set that will almost guarantee that we will become angry or offended by the other person – it will happen because guesses are a poor substitute for knowledge.
​
Take the time to find out what your partner wants; if they won’t be honest about that, then best move on and find someone who will be honest.

26/3/2020

Don't Despise the Day of Small Things

 
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An old proverb says “don’t despise the day of small beginnings”, and this carries 2 important ideas simultaneously.

First, there is a place for gratitude that must not be forgotten, because anything good that came into your life started small and grew into the goodness that can now be recognised. 
That goodness may have started with an affirmation, or gesture of care, or a good decision.

Second, the most destructive ideas and behaviours also started small before they became a problem behaviour or addiction. Gratitude helps us stay aware of the small but valuable attitudes that go to care – of ourselves and of others.

The destructive behaviours also start with small attitudes, usually negative and/or mis-informed attitudes, and so often allow a lie to be built into our reasoning …and lies never, ever work to our benefit in the long run.

​Gratitude helps protect us from the small lies before they become big problems. Yet real gratitude values honest evaluations to distinguish and separate good from bad, and healthy from unhealthy; this needs to be practised every day.

20/3/2020

Why Counselling - Doing It or Sourcing It?

 
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That’s a great question which is loaded with all sorts of socialised perceptions.

Perhaps the major perception of counselling is that it often appears basically passive; someone asks questions​and you slowly get more annoyed at them prying into your life.
The current model rests heavily on Rogerian precepts of …well, being nice. And that’s where the problem starts, because there is no reason why you/me/anyone should be ‘nice’ about any form of bad behaviour.
​
The Golden rule about counsellors: if they don’t call you on your selfishness, bad behaviours and petty tantrums you’re probably throwing your time and money away.

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    Rob McGregor.

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